You are right, it definitely is not easy. I have been thinking a lot about this especially after I met with my therapist because I am asking myself a lot lately, "what now". There's no immediate crisis like there was but I am not happy with my relationship. Back when we did marriage counseling together working "for" our marriage six or seven years ago, a lot of what she told us is you sort of treat the other nicely and then things fall into place. Except, that is really hard! We had a trip this past weekend to a family event for his family and I knew that would cause him to act a certain way, which it did, but even being prepared for it didn't prevent me feeling poorly when he takes all of those feeling out on me and everyone around him. His concept of "common courtesy" goes out the window and it is honestly a little embarrassing for me, even when it is only his own family we are dealing with. I do think, unlike years past, that I have taken all of it in stride and I haven't said anything or mentioned anything. I might have to eventually because a lot of these issues involve my family as he has pent up anger that he directs towards my mother and my parents were also around last weekend. Then, we do things like family vacations my parents take us on that I dread because of the dynamic between he and my mother. Our old couples counselor told us that if we are dealing with our own family we get to the be the one to set the boundaries but he won't abide by those rules when it comes to my family. So, if he broaches a topic to be a jerk and I ask him to stop he just draws more attention to it. This is the kind of thing that drives me crazy and I will have to talk to him about it eventually but I'd like to discuss with my therapist next week the best way how to do so. I know its about him but it is hard for me to understand why he doesn't care if what he is saying or doing is making me super uncomfortable and of course alcohol consumption by him does not help at all in these situations.


The bad thing is my kids have picked up on it, especially my oldest as he is 10. Even though he (like I suspect his father also) has high functioning autism he certainly understood something was off with his father and the way he was treating me. Then, on the one hand that makes me sad but on the other hand I am glad he can make his own observations. One of my fears is that my children will be stuck in a relationship like mine so it is a tightrope trying to hope they don't but I am the one staying in it. Do you ever feel that way?

My therapist basically thinks my husband needs to do EMDR therapy. She says that memories and trauma gets "stuck" and that is part of why he can't move on and she thinks that would really help him. The counselor we saw together over the summer and fall said the exact same thing. Of course, I am sure he won't because if he could feel better and "grow up" and move on, his OCD comes into play and he thinks something bad will happen to his parents and it will be his fault. It is a big mess! Basically my therapist was like think about what you need to be happy and remember you aren't being unreasonable.


Yes, I do feel like the holidays turned out well so I am happy for that. His birthday is coming up at the end of this month so I expect another crisis shortly.


I am so glad you were able to do what was right for you and your DD, did you end up paying for it later? I hope not! None of us are mind readers! Hope you are having a great week!