I would often ask myself questions. What if I did not have childhood trauma? What if I’m making a big deal out of it. My mother is 56 years old. I do not blame her. Everyone thinks it’s menopause. When does menopause begin? Who knows. But I am sure that someone like her cannot be going through menopause when she is younger than 45 years old. How would I know? I’m not a doctor. People wonder, why would I leave college for such a small thing? My mother told her cousins that I left college cause I got bullied for not knowing the local language. False. I speak it, I read it, I write it. Okay, agreed, what if I really did get bullied? Jail. Nowadays, ragging leads to jail. There is no escape. No one can bully you. It is a punishable offence. And I would just report them to the authorities instead of bearing it. There are so many students. I can make new friends, I can set boundaries and simply ignore people, bullies hate to be ignored. As long as my personal mindset is cleared, it’s fine. Basically something that my mom or dad would teach me. I didn’t even tell my mother I made a new friend.
Then what really happened? Why did I get depressed? Why did I get panic attacks? Why drop out? Why be scared to write exams? Is it academic, is it social, why did I get depression?
My gym trainer said a young person like me getting depressed is surprising to him. Wow great. I am young and also am depressed. What are you gonna do about it. After many days, I realised, it was a flashback. A panic attack is like a flashback. Negative thoughts, gasping for breath, crying…
I realised this yesterday. Denial is a terrible opponent. Denial is like a scar that pretends it’s not there. What power it holds over us. “No I’m fine! I was never hurt when I was young. Oh, you’re saying that wailing for your mom only for it to fall on deaf ears is considered negligent? Yeah so what, it happens to everyone!”
I’m gonna go read about it. Bye.