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I believe you may be experiencing cognitive dissonance, which is disordered or rather erroneous thinking, based on experiencing abuse, blame shifting, deflection, and gaslighting. I would not trust these feelings and thoughts as they go against everything you've been fighting for and standing up against.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"
~4 Non Blondes
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