I'm used to be wrong, and I'm used to being blamed, and I'm used to... Better yet, let's say, CONDITIONED to, being the one to reach, pursue, self examine, etc.

I'm also conditioned to fawn and to long for her.

You all taught me about trauma bonding. A friend of mine recently told me I had Stockholm syndrome.

If her life is falling apart, I want to help. If her life is wonderful, I'm jealous.

I also know for the first few years she was wonderful to be with. Whoever she latches onto next will get the same treatment. Lise Leblanc on YT talks about the husband of a borderline/covert narcissist trying for years to get back the wonderful, loving wife he once had. But I've been discarded. The new man will get the best of her. I'm jealous of that.

The other thing is, I like having a spouse, and it's the growing realization that that will never happen. It's certainly never going to happen in a way that I'd have a partner in child raising and someone to look forward to seeing each day.

It's also the emptiness I see in the kids. My oldest was furious at me for 6 months because I'd tried so hard in the months before and after we separated to find a way to reconcile with her. But I told him, you're left empty inside because of validation you need from her.

So, those are the feelings.

I'm looking for a way to cut the legs off the bed so I stop feeling like this.

RDMercer