Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer
I'm used to be wrong, and I'm used to being blamed, and I'm used to... Better yet, let's say, CONDITIONED to, being the one to reach, pursue, self examine, etc.
I'm also conditioned to fawn and to long for her.
You all taught me about trauma bonding. A friend of mine recently told me I had Stockholm syndrome.
If her life is falling apart, I want to help. If her life is wonderful, I'm jealous.
I also know for the first few years she was wonderful to be with. Whoever she latches onto next will get the same treatment. Lise Leblanc on YT talks about the husband of a borderline/covert narcissist trying for years to get back the wonderful, loving wife he once had. But I've been discarded. The new man will get the best of her. I'm jealous of that.
The other thing is, I like having a spouse, and it's the growing realization that that will never happen. It's certainly never going to happen in a way that I'd have a partner in child raising and someone to look forward to seeing each day.
It's also the emptiness I see in the kids. My oldest was furious at me for 6 months because I'd tried so hard in the months before and after we separated to find a way to reconcile with her. But I told him, you're left empty inside because of validation you need from her.
So, those are the feelings.
I'm looking for a way to cut the legs off the bed so I stop feeling like this.
RDMercer
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It’s understandable you are having hard time but some of it is ruminating “what if “ and “why me” is only hurting you more.
With the divorce rate the way it is, it’s not unusual to not spend your whole life with the person you married. Join the club. Is it great that people get divorced? No. But it is what it is. One of the reasons people stayed together in the past was inability to divorce. So there is that. Not all negative
Life doesn’t turn out the way we planned it. It never does and it never will. So again join the club.
Some other men having her is pointless to agonize about. It doesn’t matter. They can have her
I assume you got married young. Going by how much you talk about her looks it was likely one of the main deciding factors. As men get older they are less likely to settle with helpless not self sufficient heavily drinking dramatic women, no matter how they look. No one decent wants to take that on. You’d not want that now. But even if they would, they’d learn the lesson quick
I’d say if she was a child, yes write her letters teaching her right from wrong. But she is an adult. People don’t change because their soon to be ex wrote them a letter. It’s a waste of time. And what would you write? I hope you don’t want her back.
If you feel like writing letters, write it and burn it. At this point you need to communicate via lawyers. Not mailing letters. When you sent her letters or emails asking her to come back, she called it harassment. She’s not going to see the light all of a sudden after reading your letters. It will be labeled “he won’t stop harassing me”