I already made a post about leaving my husband here:

https://mysupportforums.org/relation...ay-update.html

But like in true form and fashion, I have been holding on. One of the most difficult things of this divorce process and separating myself from him is not only do still I love him with all my heart, but it is also REALLY difficult to blame someone for their illness. He is a very sick person, but I can't go on blaming myself for his issues.

I've been bad ya'll. I have been tormenting myself for the past two weeks; from the time he disappeared to go on a possible drug binge, to him ending back up in a psych ward because a psychiatrist wouldn't prescribe him meds because he said my husband needed more care than he could provide.

I have been robbed of sleep and punishing myself. I have been feeling so much guilt, shame and remorse over this whole thing because I keep thinking about the times that he stuck to his medication and was the man I fell in love with. The times I did talk to him on the phone since he's been back in New York has been civil, with us both knowing that its over but still wanting to remain in each other's lives.

But you can't romanticize and stuck in love with an IDEA of a person, it just isn't healthy.

The hardest part of this process is how sick he really is and how much of a monster he can turn into. I am his Rep Payee on top of all of this and have been trying to send his clothes and money to his mom little by little in the backdrop of all this drama. But I just can't anymore. Tonight, he called me and told me that he needed his bank cards, (my bank cards) and that I'm an imposter who is trying to rob him. He was really nasty and cold, and I just know that this is God's way of telling me I have to let go. It's his delusions and stress of being back in the hospital, but enough is enough. How much more can I do this?

The hardest lesson? Love just isn't enough to make a relationship work. I need to take care of myself before I get myself sick too.