I get it. If my T is away for even a week or 2 it does something to me on a deep level and when she is back I feel like I don’t want to see her and open myself up to that pain again.
Your situation has obviously been much longer and more difficult so where you are is totally understandable and reconnecting must not seem possible right now ?
You may feel totally different when you do see her but yes, you won’t know until that time and that kind of waiting must be so hard !
Could she send you a picture of her office before your first session back so you can prepare yourself mentally for any changes in there ?