Thanks Ana, LT, and Lost!

I can and should ask her for a picture of her office. That way I don't have to deal with the shock of walking in.

Our rituals included a welcome hug and goodbye hug. We always said it didn't mean everything was okay, but that we were both trying. We used to hold hands, too, during sessions. But I just don't want to even touch her right now. Another ritual was sitting on the floor. But that feels too intimate for me right now. I feel guarded and protective of myself. The start of session will be the same: most present feelings, safety, sleep, smoking. Then processing. That I don't mind, but I also don't think it will help with reconnecting.

I'm not sure how we have reconnected in the past. I feel like this has been a rupture and a re-traumatization. I don't remember how we have dealt with ruptures in the past. Continuing our routines? But I don't want to do that. Showing up? I'm pretty sure I will show up even though I don't want to. Come as you are? Definitely will. I'm not sure if I will want to talk much, but I will not hold back my feelings either.

Any ideas on how to reconnect in new ways? I didn't do any of my art projects, so we can't connect around that. I'm not willing to give her back her/our objects until I know where they'll be stored/placed.

I just don't want to do this. I almost feel like this experience has been worse than ex-T. Because at least ex-T was gone. L is coming back and I feel like she's been haunting me this whole time. Like she exists and knows what's going on, and still chooses to let me suffer. Maybe she couldn't legitimately do xyz, like find me another therapist when G didn't work out. AND I feel she could have stepped it up more like she did when my dog almost died. She always said I wasn't a job or a burden or that she wasn't taking time off to get away from me. But clearly, the lack of support shows that at least one of those things wasn't true.