I talked to my ECT Dr last Friday when I went in for treatment. I asked if I would have to do this forever. She said I could begin spacing it out and see how I do and I can stop at any time if I want to try. It cheered me up. I spaced the next treatment out to six weeks. I can call if I run into trouble. I really really want to stop. I hate treatment days and I’m so tired of it. I hate not being able to remember ****. Multiple times a week RS will ask me if I remember something and I have to say no. I often say I’ve never been somewhere and he will remind me that we have in fact been there together. I don’t remember ANYTHING about last school year and I often just pretend I do when my teacher asks me about something that happened last year. It’s so embarrassing. I just want to stop ECT maintenance but I’m a little worried about it because I’m not sure how hard it would be to get back in if I need it in the future. I’m not against ECT, it’s saved my life multiple times. But I need a break.

So we’ll see if I make it until March 8. I will be absolutely thrilled if I make it through February without a hospitalization. Or dare I say it an episode at all. I think I’ve really done some good work on myself in the past 2-3 years in therapy and PHP/IOP programs. I’ve reluctantly embraced most of DBT (can’t get behind mindfulness and meditation) and it has been helpful. I think I might be able to make it awhile w/o a hospital stay. I don’t think I’ll never go back but even just a year is an accomplishment.

The only other thing I’m frustrated with right now is my inability to lose weight. I don’t suppose I’ve been completely unsuccessful. I have lost ten pounds but it’s been since May. My problem is I do well for a few weeks and lose weight but if I have just one off day I end up gaining 2-3 pounds back and then it takes three more weeks to lose it again. I feel like I’ll never reach my goal. And my goal isn’t even a healthy weight for my height. I’d have to lose about 80lbs to be on the upper end of “healthy”. But losing 80lbs is way too overwhelming. I’m just trying to lose 17.

I can say I’ve been fairly consistent with exercise and it is beneficial in terms of energy. Definitely have more energy in general. I just started doing the elliptical instead of the treadmill to try to increase my cardio health.