He seemed down, and we ended up sharing a lot.
So I just sat and after listening, I spoke about the whole boundaries thing.
I said I’m getting triggered and even he said we’ll slow down.
He was pretty stressed about the situation at home so he wasn’t really able to focus but he somehow did
So we didn’t really decide on what’s okay and what’s not in physical contact yet, but I said we’ll get to know each other for three more months, that’s when our weaknesses will come through, so we can work on it. He was also crying about his family problems, so I realized it’s too early to commit
I read about the five love languages. Quality time, gifts, words, touch and helping others. Made me think about what I don't give myself, and why I wanted those hugs and cuddles so badly. It could be because I did not take care of myself, not eating well, not exercising well, dissociating.
I really like him, but also didn't wanna date him, because we got attached too quickly. I could see our attachment style was anxious. Fearful of the other leaving. We wanted a closer bond but it was too soon. Not only that, cultural and religious differences would complicate things. His mother has the power to make him feel guilty. He knows and he's working on it. Even I feel uncomfortable to show him affection in public, almost as if we didn't want anyone to know. Yesterday he was fidgeting so I held his hand, and then his eyes started welling up. He told me he doesn't know what to do in life, he has to make money or live alone, he doesn't have the resources to move out and even at home it's so hard. His father doesn't talk to him much and his mother is very anxious and angry about everything. This has led to an anxious attachment style in him.
I’m not sure why we got so close. I asked him, "You care about me a lot, don't you? I care about you too." But why? Why do we care about each other so much and so soon? I cried so much that I can’t be with him,
I felt a great loss, because I set boundaries with him, I said no touching, only talking and I’ll maintain distance. I’ll sit afar, I’ll walk afar, I won’t cry. He had said he has problems with boundaries, he feels like he goes too far and then loses it all. Gets too close, then gets abandoned, like his mother did. I reassured him saying I am capable of maintaining friendships for a long time. The only thing to work through now was the intimacy level. In terms of physical we are on no-go. Now we gotta see emotional boundaries.
I kept getting cringed thinking about how we cuddled. It felt wrong.
I’m sad and guilty about how I behaved, I hugged him and craved it. I know as a human being we crave such stuff. Then I read something online which triggered my panic attack. It was not to mix with those who don't follow god. It spoke about soul ties and how it is wrong. This made me very very guilty. Of course, I know god will forgive me, I can easily break the tie, because even cuddling releases oxytocin and attaches us to others. Now I can't attach in this way to him, especially considering we can't date. I read, in order to break a soul tie, we need to cut them off. This would hurt both of us. And reading this led to me feeling suicidal.
I only knew him since two weeks. When could I have stopped it? It was my fault. I said are you comfortable with kisses on the cheek?
And then he suggested holding hands
And he also asked if he can keep his head on my lap
So my therapist was right, sharing also is a form of intimacy
Now I have done it and realized how risky it is. But it hurts to know I can't do it anymore. Then who shall I be with? I feel so, so lonely. Sharing is like currency, or you can say more love and trust. The same is with girls as well, but it’s different, since we rarely end up intertwining fingers. I don’t understand why we did that. First time we hugged was in the basement, he asked "can I hug you?" he gave a tight hug. Then in the hospital I hugged him (possibly my fault) And in the metro I kept my head on his shoulder and later he kept his arm over mine (I was nervous). Then next day in the sand park I was crying, he came closer and held my shoulder and I hugged him again and kept my arm over him. Then day before yesterday was when it happened. He came over (I called him), we sat down to talk, and he said come here. And I hugged him and he kept his head on my lap and all this happened. But why? I asked him, "are you comfortable with kisses?" (Slight hesitation felt on his part) "On the cheek I mean?" "Yeah sure!" "Muah," Back to hugging. I kissed his chest as well, then he kissed my head twice, and intertwined his fingers with mine, I kissed his hand, and then he said "let me lay my head on your lap." I caressed his face and he kissed my arm, that's when I got triggered and felt scared, that I could not date him. Then why did we do all these things?
Young and lost.