CR has been sick with stomach issues so I’ve been off of work for two days. I’m trying not to feel guilty about it. After the comment about my attendance last year in my annual review I’ve been reluctant to take any days off. But I’m still in treatment so I have taken a few. But what can I do? I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone with stomach problems. If it’s a cold it’s whatever, he can stay home and I can go to work since I work only a mile and a half away. But stomach problems, I just want to be there if he throws up so I can take care of him and clean up if necessary. So far he hasn’t thankfully. I still think it was unfair to bring up my attendance last year since 90% of my absences were covered by medical notes. I feel that if I’d had a physical illness it wouldn’t have been mentioned. But my notes were from a well known psychiatric hospital so they definitely knew and I wouldn’t doubt HR spreading it around, even though I know that’s illegal.

In general I’ve staved off depression but my anxiety is wild. I stay in bed most of my free time now, because a) I’m cold in the house so I curl up under my blankets and b) I’m afraid of annoying RS with my choice of TV shows. He’s NEVER been annoyed by that but it doesn’t matter, I can’t seem to get over it. I’m too anxious to get gas for my car (I’m in NJ, you can’t self serve, you have to talk to someone) so I don’t do it until RS can take me. I don’t want to talk to ANY strangers so if someone is at the door when I go into or out of a store I hang back so I don’t have to awkwardly hold the door or thank them for holding the door. I’ve felt a lot more self conscious about how I come off, and feeling a lot more awkward during interactions like checking out or ordering from a restaurant. I’m constantly thinking one of my coworkers doesn’t like me even though she’s never given any indication and she’s the type of person who would definitely say something.

I also keep having intrusive thoughts, like when I’m going down the basements steps I think I’m going to fall and get seriously injured. Or one of the students is going to fall off the playground and get hurt. Or they’re going to choke on something before I can get it out of their mouth, or maybe I won’t notice right away that they have something in their mouth and I’ll be blamed for their choking death. I think if RS is in the bathroom too long that he’s had a heart attack and he’s dead. I mean it’s all so unlikely but my first husband did die suddenly so it’s not impossible to me.

I’ve also had a bad attitude at work. Yesterday I did go in for an hour before CR’s school called and I really had to actively change my thought pattern so I wouldn’t come off as mean (I probably don’t, another anxiety). I had to take a lot of deep breaths to relieve my irritation at the students for things they really can’t help. That I think I can do, I can change my thought process and general attitude. The overwhelming anxiety though? No idea how to go about that.