Sorry about how long it's been. The last few weeks have been hectic. To top it off, H moved into one of his predictable, annual hypomanic episodes. That's been a little tiring, but this round has been different because I’ve gotten better at staying in my own lane, disengaging, and not trying to fix anything - it definitely changes the experience. He may or may not be aware of how he is, but history shows I can do nothing productive in regards to helping him understand. It's nowhere near the wasted time and energy it has been in the past. There's definitely merit to focusing on your own life- which isn't synonymous with neglecting anyone or anything.

Reading through your post, I kept nodding and agreeing. So much of it is familiar.

→ I met with my therapist because I am asking myself a lot lately, "what now". There's no immediate crisis like there was but I am not happy with my relationship.<---

That's the million dollar question, isn't it? What now? Maybe the questions become more and more about “what now” for you and you alone- like your therapist said. Start rebuilding your life in a direction you like, and let H decide at some point if he wants to make the effort to join you or not. It'll naturally evolve to somewhere else over time.

Unfortunately with many disordered people they've learned to control and manipulate in a long-game kind of way. You aren't going to change your response or reaction once -or even a couple dozen times- and get a new response from him. The only point at which he may come around is when he eventually realizes that you've made a permanent change about how you're living your life, then he may try to change his behavior for fear he'll lose you.

It almost sounds like the way your H behaves around your family is passive aggressive. He must know he's behaving inappropriately, but he continues to do it anyway . He may actually like it if you're trying to address it with him and correct his behavior. It gives him a lot of control in making you uncomfortable and putting you in that position of giving him that level of attention.

You're not responsible for his behavior. It might be okay for you to tactfully call him out on it in front of your family. If he gets going on a subject that’s problematic, you could openly say, without emotion, something like, “My preference is that we not talk about politics(or whatever) here.” Then you've said your piece nicely, and your family will know that you don't condone his behavior. Of course then it depends if there's someone else there who's going to egg it on.

“Preference” is a magic word, btw. Josh Milburn of The Minimalists talks a bit about using this kind of language to make your position known, without overstepping boundaries. You get to make your preference known and then it's up to him if he chooses to disrespect it.

But I'm a terrible one to give advice on that, because I'd often rather just avoid the get together, or whatever, rather than wonder/worry about what's going to end up happening.

Yes, I worry a lot about DD ending up in a dysfunctional relationship. She's older, so we talk a little more openly about what's okay in relationships, and what's not. It's not generally correlated with what happens/has happened here, but if it syncs up, and she sees the overlap, then that's that. My H definitely acts like he's mentally ill/compromised at times, so her frame of reference is that it's pretty clear there's something wrong with him. She recognizes (in part because I say it) that his problems are not hers to deal with or accommodate at the expense of herself. Since he has poor boundaries, teaching her to have strong boundaries is essential.

Yep, if he's going to see the need, and get something like EMDR eventually, he's going to have to get to that place on his own. It's awful that you can see the potential and that you want to help, but it's all in vain. The only person who can help him is him. Set yourself free of that obligation.

With my H, I've gotten to a point where I say something like, “If you need help with anything, let me know.” I offer no specific help nor go out of my way without being asked (nicely), and I don't do things for him that he needs to do for himself.

I hope and pray that things have been going well for you recently. I've been thinking about you a lot even though the complex thoughts weren't flowing. This one got long, so maybe I (unfortunately) made up for it