My son was recently admitted to a psych hospital for a 72 hr hold. He has been released. He refuses to seek any further treatment due to his experience there. He is on medication, which he takes routinely. He tried to OD on pills and unalive himself. I have taken the week off of work to just be with him and keep him company. I have to return to work on Monday. I'm scared to death of what that will look like for him and me.

I have expressed that I understand how tramatic a 72 hour hold can be. I also think that he should give outpatient therapy a try. He refuses after the experience and says he doesn't want to be part of a system that at any moment could toss him back into being treated like an animal.

He has been in and out of therapy when he was a child. He told me none of it helped. He also said out of all his therapists he only liked 2 of them. Mostly because he could detract them from the real issues.

He has autism, depression, anxiety and a medical problem that leaves him in pain most days.

He also has strong beliefs that people should be able to end their lives when they choose, a concept he picked up as a child after watching Futurama. Although it was from a cartoon he believes it has merit.

He goes from being horribly afraid of dying to wanting to die. His attempts are always him getting super drunk then just grabbing a handful of pills (typically things that would not kill a person, but end up knocking him out).

A therapist once told me that his fear of dying is probably what saves his life. He is wicked smart and knows what to take to end his life. She thought his attempts are more like cries of help, for which he won't get help for. I thought the same, but said it didn't matter because he could screw up and take the wrong thing or wrong amount. I take every attempt seriously, if I know about it (many times I don't).

I am seeing a therapist, who reminds me we can only control this very moment. My anxiety is through the roof. I keep having thoughts about finding him deceased in different ways. I then spiral into thoughts of life without him and how I would even move on.

I'm tired from 26 years of therapy, iep meetings, him in and out of useless therapy, watching him self destruct, etc. I have watched other parents who go through this and are just shells walking around preparing for the worst. I feel like I'm that parent.

I feel like a failure, what did I do to him to make him this way. Why did I not protect him? He has been traumatized by teachers, peers, adults, his "friends", past relationships, etc.

I'll take any insight and support I can get at this point.

Thanks