Hi all, I’m new here.
I hope I’m posting in the right board? It didn’t seem to fit any of the others?
I’m really really struggling with some feelings I’m having, regarding my appearance and lifelong trauma around being labelled “ugly”. It’s been happening since I was 6, I’m now 31, turning 32 this year.
It’s not just a few people who have said it either; it’s been en masse (many many MANY people) ever since the age of 6. And it isn’t just things that are said either. It’s the way I’ve been treated my whole life too. It’s absolutely disgusting. I’ve been treated as sub human my whole life for my appearance. Been asked out or hit on as “a joke”, been publicly shamed and humiliated and harassed even by total strangers so many times. Cheated on and abused by exes. Betrayed by my own family and former friends…
Had crimes committed against me, even…
There’s been so much of it.
I fled my home country to escape and to restart my life almost 8 years ago. I managed to even get a lot of cosmetic surgery and other procedures, worked on my body and my appearance in other ways so I’d feel happier and better in myself. For the longest time, it worked. Or so I thought!
I’m married now and I’m finally happy. But recently a few people including my own adoptive sister (who I always thought I was very close to and was like a best friend to me! So that betrayal hurts all the more!) have said and done things which triggered those feelings of being ugly again. It’s made me relapse terribly. I have harmed myself, and I have spiralled.
I’m honestly not a shallow person. Ever! I could NEVER refer to someone else as “ugly” or anything like that. And I don’t care about looks when it comes to others.
But I am so full of self loathing and I truly hate myself for being so ugly and disgusting and worthless.
Because it’s true. It always has been. Why else would SO MANY people say it and attack me for it and treat me as inhuman for so long if it wasn’t true?

I’ve been in therapy since I was 13 and on medications but none of them have ever been able to fix this so there’s no point in suggesting that. Every time I try to talk to anyone about this, I get the typical cliche responses of “oh no you’re so beautiful” (no I’m not). “But you’re beautiful on the inside”. Blah blah.
Or I get judged, scolded/told off, called “shallow”, accused of “attention seeking” or “fishing for compliments” which I AM NOT!!!! Or I get told to “just ignore it” or “be grateful” or “think positive” and other cliches. All of which do not help at all and make me feel worse! I can’t just ignore it. If I could, I wouldn’t have the issue in the first place. Besides, this has happened all my life now, pretty much, and it’s ingrained into my head.
Nobody understands what I’m going through or seems to relate. Or they turn it into a competition or an excuse to judge me or berate me or accuse me of being superficial or “not having my priorities straight” and stuff like that. I just feel so invalidated which makes me feel even worse and more alone, on top of feeling so ugly and hideous and worthless. I don’t deserve to be here or take up space.

It’s really badly affecting my life and I can’t help it. Nothing works.
I have because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I haven’t harmed in years but I just had to. I really had to. I couldn’t deal with these feelings anymore.
I haven’t told anyone (except my husband, who obviously noticed.) I’m so incredibly depressed and alone in this. It’s tearing me apart.
I’m not asking for advice here. I just want to feel less alone… Nobody understands or even tries to. 😞 I want to disappear off the face of the earth.
Thanks for reading