I am so sorry the last few weeks have been hectic and rough for you. I am hoping things are calming down. But, I am glad to hear that you are doing what you can do to help yourself while these hard times are happening. Sometimes it is hard (at least for me) to remember that we have the power not to get involved in whatever issues they have going on. I'm so happy you were able to focus on yourself and what was going on with you.


My H has been very difficult lately. He is drinking excessively which always makes him super depressed and irritable and messes with the medicine he takes. For the most part because of that set up, I had to confront my H yesterday over how he was acting and it was difficult but went as expected. I think when he's having his own issues I can let it be but my therapist has been insistent that when my H pushes the boundaries of what I consider to be appropriate behavior that I call him on it. There's this way of engaging with me he has that is just unacceptable. For example, yesterday we were at my parents house for the Superbowl and I asked him three or four times if he was ready to leave and he said yes. So then I gathered the kids and we got in the elevator and he wasn't there. I went to see what was going on and he was putting his shoes on. I probably said something like "are you ready" and he started screaming obscenities at me. This was after on the way there he screamed at the kids and made one of them cry for essentially something that was a minor deal that should have been easily dealt with. The ironic thing is that he apologized to the kids for screaming at them later, which is a good thing, but he did not apologize to me.


According to him, it was "distressing" to be left behind and that's why he screamed at me. He will acknowledge that: (1) he shouldn't talk to me like that and (2) I am justified in feeling fed up with the behavior because inevitably I will tell him it is unacceptable to speak to me like that and he will agree with me but then nothing changes. At that point I also told him some of the inappropriate things he said a few weeks ago when he was drinking which he didn't even remember saying. I told him I thought his drinking was extremely self-destructive and that I felt very unhappy with that and our relationship in general. I don't know if you recall but I was hesitant to bring that back up, but here we are. Anyway, the upshot is that he has good insight into his behavior and will acknowledge it but takes the stance that he really can't do anything about it. He also told me that he feels that I don't prioritize him. I feel like that is a trap? I just said to him that last I heard he was "ambivalent" about our marriage. So, if he becomes un-ambivalent to let me know and if at that time I also want to work on our marriage we can. But until then, I am not going to be prioritizing him or following his instructions on how to delicately deal with him at all times.


I don't know about you but sometimes I feel like I live in a different universe than my H. He mentioned he is an active and engaged father and I think that is far from the truth. Oh well. He left for out of town today and I was relieved. He really sucks the happiness right out of my life right now and like we always discuss, if circumstances were different (i.e. financial situation and kids) I would have been out of here a long time ago. My therapist asked me the other week if I still loved my H and I told her that was a rabbit hole I was not ready to go down. I know I used to love the different person I am with, and I know this version of him I can't stand, so I don't know what that says.


I am really glad to hear about how you've spoken to your DD and hopefully that lays the groundwork for a healthy relationship when she grows up. I did make sure to tell my kids after their father yelled at them that everyone, even parents make mistakes, and that was not the right way to handle things. I just worry they will be traumatized, I did not grow up like that with parents that screamed, cussed, left etc. so I'm not sure but I do feel like it has to leave a mark on them.


Thanks as always for listening. This response is very long too, and I love reading your responses and advice, it is always so helpful.