It sounds like you did well with the boundaries. It needed to be done. The behavior of his, that you described, was overt and inappropriate. The directness you used to confront it sounds very controlled and on topic. You should be proud of yourself, even if you aren't sure it accomplished much with him. Hopefully you have a sense of taking care of yourself, and your needs, in those moments.

It's the covert, passive aggressive stuff that may not be worth confronting- because too often it's easy for them to play dumb or say it wasn't intentional, you know?

But, yeah, if the behavior is the kind that can be addressed directly, and you feel safe and comfortable doing it, you should, if only for your own empowerment.

Someone here on the boards has said that if you're having any discussions about alcohol and its impact on the household, then alcohol is a problem. Even if the person doesn't fit what might be considered an alcoholic, the alcohol use can still present real and serious problems for a family.

I don't think my H would qualify as an alcoholic by any common standard, but when he does use alcohol, it's generally for the wrong reasons (stress & anxiety) and it changes his attention and focus to a place where he's relatively disconnected. FWIW, my H is often easier to get along with when he's drinking, but that doesn't make it good for him, his health, or his relationships. He's often not ‘all there’ when he's NOT drinking, so drinking makes him even less so.

What DD picks up on in regards to his alcohol use is sometimes surprising. She's aware of it as a mood altering substance where he's concerned, and that used as such, he's not dealing with his problems in a healthy way. She's openly disgusted by it at this point, and it's not that he gets drunk, or acts out , or anything of that nature, it's just that she has the concept that it's counter to his health and wellness- and that makes it hard to feel respect for him. Kids see it, they pick up on things that even adults don't always cue into. Even if your kids aren't old enough to see the pattern now, there's a chance that they will as they get older- particularly if, like DD, they get some health education at school about signs and symptoms of substance use and abuse.

Have you ever mentioned to him if you think the drinking has an impact on the kids?

It's not surprising that he didn't apologize to you, but did apologize to the kids. It could be a form of devaluation of you- they are worthy enough of an apology, but you are not. But it could also be deep shame on his part, since you're acting the mature adult, and that's a hard opponent for him to face. Either way, remember it's his dysfunction talking and acting out, it's not you, even though it hurts to be treated that way.

—>I will tell him it is unacceptable to speak to me like that and he will agree with me but then nothing change←-

Do you think maybe the only way he'll change is if there's a consequence he really doesn't like associated with not changing? Boundaries generally work better when there are repercussions from not respecting them. Maybe you're already using some?

—>I don't know if you recall but I was hesitant to bring that back up, but here we are. Anyway, the upshot is that he has good insight into his behavior and will acknowledge it but takes the stance that he really can't do anything about it. He also told me that he feels that I don't prioritize him. I feel like that is a trap?<---

But here we are… if you keep finding yourself back in the same place, the loop might be one that he feels comfortable with, and steers things back to time and again (whether intentional or not). Sometimes old arguments are like comfort food, especially to disordered people. Are you ever able to catch it when a topic first starts heading down one of these old paths? Unfortunately, for those of us on the side of trying to help and fix things, we can also get stuck in a loop- ‘maybe this time will be the time we get through to them?’

If you don't want to do the same thing over, unfortunately you're going to have you be the person who tries something new. My idea would be to disengage the moment you realize that he's got you on an old, unproductive path. Not that you turn your back on him, but rather you step back from the emotional engagement of the moment, and make a gentle, nonjudgmental observation/suggestion such as ‘only you can make that change for you. I can't make it for you.’- and then you go take care of yourself.

—> He mentioned he is an active and engaged father and I think that is far from the truth.<---

It's hard to tell if they are trying to convince you or themselves. This is very much a ‘reap what you sow’ situation though. Natural consequences eventually take their course, and as sad as it may be, the choices he's making today may mean that the kids never really develop a genuine, in depth relationship with him- but is he honestly capable of that at this point?

—>He really sucks the happiness right out of my life right now and like we always discuss, if circumstances were different (i.e. financial situation and kids) I would have been out of here a long time ago.<---

You're not alone in this tough situation. Do you do much self-care? With a few kids and work, it's probably not easy to find the time and space for that. It sounds like you need it though. In codependency work, they say when you find yourself focusing on the other (disordered) person, that's a sign that you need to stop thinking about them and what they want/need, and to start thinking about yourself and what you want/need. It's not always easy! Sometimes you have to unlearn an old habit, and subsequently learn a new new one.

—>I know I used to love the different person I am with, and I know this version of him I can't stand, so I don't know what that says. ←-

I'm so sorry. There's just not much to say to that. Even if you do feel stuck for the time being, you can still grow, tend to yourself, and find happiness. It can be tough to learn to do that within a restrictive situation, and it may even be hard to give yourself permission to do just that, but it is possible.

Things are busy here still, but I feel like I've gotten my feet back under me for the moment. As we say around here. "if it's not weird, you're not here." Just have to accept it for now and keep doing my thing

Here's a ((((hug)))) for you. Just keep swimming.