But, yeah, if the behavior is the kind that can be addressed directly, and you feel safe and comfortable doing it, you should, if only for your own empowerment.


I think for me this is the key point. When he is overly blowing up at me and cussing I need to call him on it. It has happened once since last week when I saw my therapist and she gave me some tips. She said to ask him how he thinks it makes me feel when says that and when he says "bad" or "sad" I am supposed to ask him does he want me to feel that way. I think the point is to try and get him away from the sole focus of himself and onto what his behavior does to those around him. It did work somewhat because he admitted when I did ask him that the reason he was saying those things or snapping at me is because he was embarrassed about something. So I think that is probably a good technique. Just another reason why I like my therapist so much because she always has action plans for me.


Have you ever mentioned to him if you think the drinking has an impact on the kids?


I think it is helpful for me to hear what your DD has picked up on about drinking. I do think that watching parents go through Ultimately, for my H it is an unhealthy coping mechanism and I hope he stops. I am glad that it is at least not happening unless he is out of the house so at least my kids don't really have to see him impaired very much because that can be hard. My oldest who is 10 has picked up on it some and he likes to ask his dad if he's going to go "pop some champagne bottles" lol that at least adds some levity to the situation.



Do you think maybe the only way he'll change is if there's a consequence he really doesn't like associated with not changing? Boundaries generally work better when there are repercussions from not respecting them. Maybe you're already using some?


Yes, this I am trying to do. I will not engage in a conversation with him when he is cussing at me or screaming. I also think, to the extent possible, it is important to call him out in the moment. I can work on being more firm in those boundaries but honestly this one is not that hard for me because I really do hate the behavior that much and it has a profound impact on me, I just cannot have it, be involved in it, or be around it. For me personally, I would never and have never spoken to anyone like that in my life, including him, so my boundary on that is a firm one and nonnegotiable. And he really doesn't try and say it is okay when he acts like that as he knows its not. I also reiterate to him the correct verbiage, like instead of cussing at me, say "I don't like that" or "I am embarrassed", I do think that helps to to give him the words to say in place of those especially because he never has had that healthy communication so he may need leading to some extent.


The choices he's making today may mean that the kids never really develop a genuine, in depth relationship with him- but is he honestly capable of that at this point?

You are right on with this observation too, I don't think right now he is capable of that. He just as to get himself together first. And honestly, I am okay with that to the extent it is not destructive to me or the kids and that's when I have to be really firm about the boundaries.


So, last week was Valentine's Day which even in the best of times we never really celebrated as I don't put much stock in it but I do always like cards. And he did (when he got back into town) give me a nice card from the kids and one from him as well. Although, I found myself questioning what he was saying in the card since he told me what he had written to me in cards earlier in our relationship was just "what he wanted to believe" and not how he felt or something. I don't know, I guess I will take it but not put much stock into it just like most everything else he says about me or his own feelings since they are so subject to change and so ambivalent.


I do try to do self-care but it is hard. I have a nice group of friends and a few hobbies so I try to focus on that and myself as best I can. I think this is hard work for me in general because notwithstanding all of the issues with my H, I tend to put myself absolutely last. Every year my new years resolution is to say "no" more but then I end up not doing it. I know that I do a better job focusing on myself now then I have in the past so I guess I am trending in the right direction slowly but surely.

Btw, that saying "if it's not weird, you're not here", I love that and also so applicable to my life at all times. I hope this week has been a quiet one for you and you have accomplished all that you want to!