So, an update. We talked more about the social media stuff today but it didn't really make me feel better. I told T that her questions reminded me of how my mother interrogates me about personal things I didn't feel comfortable discussing. I told her how I went through a brief period of SH over a decade ago and it was brief because my mother found out and interrogated me about it. I felt like I was getting into trouble for it and my punishment was having her check my body everyday when I undressed which really isn't what you want at 20 years old. Anyway, we had some discussion around that and T said what if instead of her asking me questions we have an agreement that if there is something I keep going back to (on social media) that I have feelings about then I tell her when I'm ready. I said to be honest I don't think I could keep up my end of the bargain but now I feel obliged to and guilty if I don't.

I fell into a pretty long silence at one point and T eventually interrupted and said she had something very "random" to ask me. She asked me if I like Harry Potter and I said "sort of". Anyway, she brings out this book of architectural drawings of Harry Potter buildings and I asked if I would be interested in it and handed it to me. I was completely caught off guard and didn't know what to do. I awkwardly flipped through a couple of pages but told her I wasn't really interested in it and asked her why she showed it to me. She said she wasn't sure but thought that asking me more questions would feel intrusive but wanted to offer me something. I still don't know what to make of it. It was such an awkward situation for me but knowing her intentions were good I guess makes it kind of nice?

Every time I leave Ts office after a session I immediately want to go back and can't bare the thought of having to wait another week to talk to her yet when I'm there I feel terrified and struggle to say what I want to say. It's so frustrating! I feel like my whole life is just spent waiting for my next therapy session and then when I get it I'm too afraid to use it properly.