"I was so anxious that my anger would flare up again after all the therapy work I had done to process & heal from all those years in the bad marriage."

YES! This is totally part of it too! Thank you for voicing that. I knew I was feeling something but couldn't identify it!

She tried so hard so many times to incite a response in me; threatening divorce, threatening financial ruin, threatening to ruin my reputation, threatening I'd lose the kids, totally insulting me and demeaning me.

I'm scared of MY response to seeing her too. I'm scared of the pain and the anger I'll feel.