My Support Forums - View Single Post - So conflicted and don't know what to do and scared of regretting it

eskielover · Feb 23, 2024, 02:52 PM

I am right there with @TunedOut as a voice from my experience & after finally leaving a bad marriage after 33 years. Same goals & values are important. I had never been on my own either but if things had been in balance with values & fighting against each others values hadn't become the norm, having never lived alone would have never entered my mind. In reality it didn't until after I left & alone felt so good after all those years of fighting.

Our biggest conflict was finances. We were both computer engineers but he liked to spend & live on credit paying interest on everything. I also had an Accounting degree & seriously he went against everything I believed financially.

Obviously over 33 years we did lots of things together but looking back, I enjoyed the things & experiences of traveling but I did NOT enjoy it because I was with him, I enjoyed it because the experiences were awesome & I learned alot but not because of him. Actually trips were get aways from tge fighting & that was why I enjoyed them so much.

Important to understand the foundational reason you want to end the relationship & it sounds like there may be something deeper than the surface level things you listed or if not, maybe that is why you fear regrets.

I had no fear of regrets when I left & living alone was probably why I cound out later he thought I would come back to him. I have my finances totally under control & I would never go back to that kind of life. Seriously I wanted out of the marriage even before the wedding but talked myself out of the red flags & gut feelings I was experiencing even at the age of 21.

I would say therapy might help but for me it didn't & just provided a final location where I ended up attacking his thinking & made up my own mind I could not live that way any more. In my case 16 years after leaving & living alone 2100 miles away, I have never been happier even though I am still legally fighting some financial things he did to me 5 years after the divorce.

Important to spend time truly understanding those conflicted feelings & seeing if there is a much deeper issue involved that you may not even be aware of at the momemt.

If I had not had very important issues that caused me anger I probably wouldn't have left & walked away from everything I had....but now I own my farm & he lost the house we had to foreclosure because of his financial irresponsibility & I am now legally divorced.