When I was a kid I was molested regularly by one of my guardians. When I was 14 I was lucky enough to escape the abuse when he died.

When I was 16 I started dating a guy who was 26. He was extremely abusive and cruel and despite the serious mental and physical damage he did to me, I stayed with him for several years.

I found myself missing him and the abuse on and off over the years that we've been apart. I'm happily married to a woman now but I seem to crave and fantasizing about the really horrible things that he did to me. I know it's an absolutely horrible idea but part of me wants to try to look up that man again.

Oddly enough, I miss that ex boyfriend's abuse but the thought of my childhood sexual abuse instantly makes me want to curl up and cry. Why do I miss one and not the other? The fact I miss any of it is frustrating and confusing.