I’m doing well. My therapist told me to set an 8 week appt for my next ECT even though I wanted to stop completely. I guess I’ll set the appt and cancel nearer to it if I want. No one’s really supporting me in my decision to stop except the ECT dr. Everyone in my personal life just thinks I’ll backslide and get hospitalized again. But no one has actually done ECT. They don’t know what I’m physically and mentally going through. You can never understand unless you’ve been there. I know it works so I wouldn’t be averse to it in the future if I needed another series but I need a break at least. Maybe get some of my memory back. I have been out of the hospital one year on Saturday. And I haven’t self harmed in nearly two years. I think everyone thinks it’s just like a med, you have to just put up with the side effects. But it’s affecting my quality of life. Some meds you can’t stay on no matter how well they work. But mentally stable people don’t know or understand that.

Sigh. Beyond that I’m doing well. I even entertained the idea of going back to school for my special ed certification and becoming a teacher again. I went so far as to look up colleges that offer the program online. I found one that looks good but I need to talk to someone there for more information. Then I thought maybe I should wait to see if I can make it a year stable with no ECT. As an assistant I can take off when needed but as a teacher it’s more difficult to take off. So I’m definitely going to wait and think about it more. Never have I been successful as a teacher, always had to take time off for my mental health, but I am in a different place now with a lot more therapeutic skills and less unprocessed trauma. Idk. I don’t really want to pay for it (13k) and then find out I just can’t do it. I would feel like such a loser. I already kinda do. Trying and failing again would just be icing on the loser cake.

I really wish I could be a teacher, I really enjoyed it. I enjoy being an assistant too but being a teacher was fun in some ways. I think I could teach an autism or MD self contained class. I know I could in my current school with my current principal but I’m sure he’ll retire soon, who knows what type of admin we’ll have next. Admin really makes or breaks it.

I wish my brain was different.