It turns out that my doctor did refer me to a psychologist in this healthcare system. He said he would try, but I figured that would go nowhere. So I now have an appointment to see this psychologist in a week.

I don't feel hopeful about this appointment. I'm trying to think of what I should say when I get there. It's a male psychologist, which puts me off a bit. I'm already thinking he's going to just look down on me and figure I'm a lazy jerk. I'm thinking I better not say anything about suicidality.

I worry about confidentiality. His notes can be read by every doctor and nurse in this healthcare system who has the online password, and that's all of them.

Years ago, I tried every form of psych help out there. I had some negative experiences. I think anyone who deals with any part of the healthcare system long enough eventually has some bad experiences. Psych patients are vulnerable. I learned that how you get treated has a lot to do with the subjective feelings of the doctor or therapist. I'm not going to any of them expecting friendship. That's not their role. But some can become very cold and even insulting. I've had my trust abused a few times. They always start off acting nice.

Some of them have big egos. At one point, way in the past, I had gotten completely different diagnoses from different doctors. Each diagnosis seemed to reflect the provider's personal feelings. One of my siblings told me that I argue too much. 15 years ago, I was seeing a Nurse Practitioner who was ordering my psych meds. When I told her about my having suicidal thoughts, she started reading the Bible to me.

I once went to a Psychiatrist who seemed to have an anger problem. I only went to her one time. She asked what I had learned from past therapy. I told her I hadn't really learned much from therapy. She said, "Then you must be very arrogant." Next she told me that I probably had been to low quality doctors. She said her training had been from Cornell, which she said was a top shelf medical college. She said she probably knew a lot more than any of the doctors I had consulted with in the past. She said my previous doctors were wrong to have put me on an antidepressant. She said I didn't need to be taking any drugs. When she was about to give me another appointment, I said I was not going to continue seeing her. Then she picked up the check I had written to pay her. She waved it in the air and said, "I suppose this is going to bounce."

I've got a few more bizarre stories, but I think the one above is enough of an illustration. Professionals are human. They have faults, as we all do. I expect that. But I don't expect to leave a session with a professional more emotionally damaged than I went in.