@TheGal I appreciate that. I got screwed up on a mix of oxy and Vodka. I have been struggling really hard lately to try to keep myself sober from the intense depression I feel. However, last night I just got overwhelmed with the feeling that I don't matter and I never did. An ex I have is super interested in my best friend, who has no interest in him. The ex keeps trying to make me feel stupid and crazy for feeling this way but I know I'm not crazy.

Between the **** way he made me feel, my general depression/night terrors, and my recent use of pain killers, it was all too tempting to ignore. I have been intoxicated with booze and opiates nonstop since then and honestly, I don't have a good reason not to be as of right now.

I feel broken and disposable. I want to just stop existing all together. The only good friend I have gets very uncomfortable with homosexual topics so I can't really talk to him. The insolation and depression is cushing me and making me fall right back into my crappy self-destructive pattern