Thank you both for your supportive replies and advice.

I believe you're right.... I really don't need that kind of dark energy around me, and I am not having a whole lot of luck finding like-minded peeps in this Deadhead hippie crowd.

I do need to branch out! I just need to gather some courage since I have been in a music scene of sorts for the last 30 years!!! OYE!

I guess I am also feeling incredibly guilty on top of all that I wrote already... I am truly thinking that I may also be toxic myself.

I came out of an abusive marriage with all these hopes that I would meet some great people now that I am on my own.

After leaving an abusive marriage, I did a LOT of personal work and healing on my own through videos, articles, and meditations.... a year later, I felt indifferent to my ex husband - like devoid of ANY emotion towards him. I felt healed. I felt better.

But still, since leaving my marriage, I've had to rebuild a life and create new friendships since I had let go of nearly ALL friendships during all the abuse.

So, I've been out in my music scene (mainly) socializing and meeting new people. Well, every person that has befriended me has turned out to be in fact, quite mentally ill and unbalanced emotionally and mentally.

Maybe I gravitate towards these types BECAUSE of the broken parts of myself that still exist within me....

Either way, that's the kind of person I have attracted and who has befriended me - and every time, it's blown up in my face, with a negative, explosive ending. I get to a point where I cannot tolerate their behavior anymore, which I label as being "toxic", I confront them with their negative behavior that is effecting me, and it all blows up in my face.

That's been the pattern. With men, it's been somewhat similar, although I haven't exactly dated all mentally ill men or unstable men since leaving my marriage. I am still friendly with several men I've dated, and it hasn't ended well with a couple of others, so we don't talk anymore.

So, what am I getting at?

I have been leaning on one new-ish friend too much through all the drama I've experienced with different men and these "toxic" friends I've talked about, which is making me now feel that I am behaving in a toxic way, probably draining my friend of energy! Oye! That's the LAST thing I want.

I feel like recoiling entirely until I feel better. I don't want to drain my new friend. I don't want to be an energy vampire.... or toxic. I need to reign it all in somehow, and stop sharing and leaning on her for support through anymore drama.

I am trying to introspect to:

1) identify the patterns that are occurring with friendships and men I'm dating
2) see how I have contributed to the patterns and what I am attracting
3) be humble enough to know and see where I have gone wrong and what I am doing to contribute to the problem
4) change my own behaviors and therefore, the patterns I am witnessing and experiencing

So there it is. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.