((((PIMV)))))

I'm so sorry you don't have support IRL, lean on us here, but do look into getting treatment good support IRL.

It would be awful to lose your job on top of everything else b/c you were wasted.

I used to be involved in heavy drinking to the point of blackouts. Now, I take anti-depressants, including mirtazepine which was like rocket fuel and helped me stop drinking and took away the SI.

Realize that you are self-medicating because you are depressed and experiencing night terrors.

Do get professional help... someone to talk to like a therapist/psychologist and also talk to your doctor, maybe get a pdoc.

You are worth the effort. Embrace yourself and let go of those people in your life who do not raise you up. You are not disposable, you're not surrounded right now by the proper supports. As The Desiderata says, "avoid those who are vexatious to the spirit".

There are other online supports such as AA, NA anonymous, also these groups:

Online Support Groups - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

HeyPeers - Where Peers and Support Groups Connect

Please reach out and don't self-isolate.

Do you have any pets?

Do take care....