Thank you all for your responses. i appreciate your thoughts, your support, and your acknowledgement of the double bind and the potential for harm either way. there isn't anywhere else i can talk about this weird 'therapeutic relationship' stuff so i'm grateful for this place.



i'm still trying to process these past two sessions and all the thoughts and feelings and questions that are coming up.
questions like:
- do i really want to end therapy at such a pivotal point?
- do i want to lose this therapeutic relationship that has been so difficult for me to even form in the first place (severe trauma/attachment/trust issues)?
- do i want to have to start therapy over with someone else? (especially when waiting lists here are extensive and i could be facing several months of no therapy at all)
- if i choose community, how would i even do that, what would it look like, and what if it doesn't feel right for me after all? (i'm an introvert; i'm not even sure yet if community is what i want or need)
- how would it feel to maybe sometimes see T in community and not be able to talk to him about any of my stuff anymore?
- if i stay in therapy, will i always feel like something's missing?
- will i resent T for making me choose?

i guess T's been thinking about it too as he emailed me a while ago sending caring thoughts for the weekend and a quote from Doctor Who (shared interest): "My experience is that there is, you know, surprisingly, always hope." which i think he's meaning as us somehow working through this. the problem is we're coming at it from very different positions/situations. he has the community and our therapeutic relationship; i'm only allowed one or the other. i'm not sure how that can be worked through.