On that note, it must BE ME.... I am the common thread amongst all my friendships and relationships, so it has to be me. So, what I am doing wrong? How can I improve and change these unhealthy patterns in my life?

Admittedly, I've been very enthusiastic and open about meeting new peeps to bring into my circle. I don't want to say "desperate" because I am good on my own too. In fact, I am quite good with solitude and alone time and I can be alone for extended periods of time just fine. But then I need to socialize too.

So, I am very open and I am very open-minded and accepting of people's differences, and of those who are very different than me. I am very accepting of all those I meet.

As an example, I befriended a transgender woman last year (through my hippie music scene), who totally turned on me after a few months of friendship. She turned out to be oh my goodness - SO TOXIC for me. She eventually turns sour on just about everybody she meets and is full of negative energy. BUT, when I first started hanging out with her, she was extremely compassionate and welcoming, a great friend to talk to and confide in about anything, and she provided me with a feeling of emotional safety - at least in the beginning. Now, we are no longer friends. She is losing friends all the time within our music community and no one wants to hang out with her.

Next, I befriended a very different woman (again, through my hippie music scene) who also turned on me. She turned out to be an angry alcoholic, but I didn't know anything about this until we traveled out of state together for a weekend. She drank far too much alcohol, and became enraged with me over something minor that did not warrant any anger or rage. This woman had done the same exact things to her recent ex boyfriend. So, that friendship ended badly as well.

Same thing happened with this most recent female "friend" who is disabled and abused. That friendship imploded on me very quickly too. I didn't know at first that she had been SO badly abused....

So, I get close to someone, then eventually and suddenly, it explodes.

Perhaps I let people into my life waaaayyyyyyy too quickly? Maybe I am TOO open. TOO receptive. TOO accepting????

Maybe I still carry some sort of innocent naiveté within me that wants to still believe, deep down, that everyone is a good person, and that everyone will treat me the way I expect to be treated?

Same thing with men and romantic relationships - more than once, I've ignored red flags and I've allowed the relationship to develop far too quickly. It's intense and passionate at first, and then it explodes once I learn that they are in fact, disrespectful of women, and not as good of a person as I had initially thought.

Ok, so I am very open and very receptive to all kinds of people, and I don't take my time to get to know someone in a slower, cautious, and healthy way. I leap before I look under the hood..... ?????? I've unfortunately, done the same things with my jobs and career. BUT that's a different story altogether.

My now deceased father, who was a psychiatrist, used to say to me all the time: WHY do you adopt all the broken-winged people???? He noticed a pattern with my romantic relationships. It's true that I have typically dated the more broken people.

So, maybe I am broken and need to fix myself before I even TRY to venture into the world to meet new people for friendship OR a romance. But that could take the rest of my life!!!!!

Yeah, I've been broken, for certain. I STILL struggle with an eating disorder that NO ONE knows about IRL. It's been a silent battle that I manage and struggle with ALL ALONE.

I've suffered FAR MORE BULLYING AND ABUSE than I care to even admit or think about.... at school as a kid, at work as an adult, and in my romantic relationships as an adult.

Maybe I have low self esteem? And that is what is driving these unhealthy patterns? I walk and speak with confidence, but inside? Perhaps I am not even aware of this inside of me?

What's odd --- I DO think of myself as a phoenix rising. I still dust myself off, I smile, I laugh, I am bright eyed, bushy tailed and full of life and enthusiastic, despite all of it, and I don't let bullies and/or abusers keep me down for too long.

Maybe I need a spiritual "cleanse"? Maybe I need chakra healing? Maybe I need yet another therapist????? ARGH.

I am 53 years old! I haven't found that many great therapists, and the last few have been terrible and not at all helpful! So, I gave up.

Or, MAYBE it's that I have NO firm boundaries with people in the beginning when I first meet them?????? THIS could be a part of the problem. I DO get very close very quickly and allow emotional intimacy very fast. Boundaries have been an issue that keep coming up in my mind.

Any thoughts on any of the above, dear community members reading through?

I may be getting to the core of the issue: LOOSE OR NO BOUNDARIES... AHA.... HMMMMM.....

I am sweet as pie, then as soon as someone crosses my boundaries, look out. I am NOT so sweet anymore. But at first.... maybe my ISSUE has been a LACK OF BOUNDARIES.

Dropping this article here for myself and anyone else who may need it too:
Causes & Solutions To Lack of Boundaries | Breaking Boundaries