((((PIMV))))

I'm so sorry for the loss and trauma you've experienced. That needs to be addressed. Can you go to therapy such as EFT tapping or Gestalt? You need to be able to work with a qualified therapist/psychologist.

You've got a kid, so you have a responsibility to fight for yourself for not only yourself but your kid's sake.

In your place, as hard and frustrating as it can be, I'd get your name on the waiting list to see another pdoc. You never know you might get someone who's more suitable to you and with whom you have some trust and an afifnity.

I would be curious to know the meds you're taking...

I take 5 psych meds, my diagnosis is severe major depression with psychotic features. (3 anti-depressants: Prozac 40mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, Remeron (mirtazepine) 30mg, the antipsychotic Abilify 10 mg twice a day, and PRN Ativan for anxiety.)

Like I said the mirtazepine is like rocket fuel... very fast-acting and takes away SI.

I know what it's like not to feel good with your pdoc, I left mine and now I don't have one as I've probably been blacklisted. I really should get my medical report.

I get my meds renewed from walk-in clinics, hospital emergency, or virtual care. I do not have a gp, she went to work for virtual care. Where I'm at there is a healthcare crisis.

I bring that up not only to commiserate, but to say that I feel the mirtazepine could be increased to a small daily dose, as well, that would't be enough to make me drowsy, but enough to keep me stable and take off the edge.
Maybe your meds could be adjusted and they'd be more helpful to you, and hopefully more affordable. Have you ever heard of gabapentin prescribed for anxiety? Something to look into with a pdoc.

How long have you been self-medicating with alcohol and oxy? Has your use increased over time? How do you pay for it, and is it cheaper the proper meds?

Sorry to hear that the dogs are stressing you out? It's a big responsibility, for sure. How big are they? And how do they stress you out exactly?

You are worth fighting for... stick around, please!!

I can tell you are an kind soul who is intelligent and articulate, but you've been dealt some really hard blows in life and currently don't have the proper supports/people in place.

You know you're playing with fire by self-medicating, and that acknowledgement is the first step to getting out of the trap.