i'm sorry for being vague; there are reasons for that including that i wanted to be able to talk about this aspect of my life without triggering the heck out of myself because it is so tightly interwoven with my trauma. my upbringing was extremely abusive (both parents; physical, sexual and psychological abuse). when i say i was kept isolated, i mean that, for the first two decades of my life, i was pretty much only allowed out of my parents' house (i wasn't allowed to refer to it as my home) to attend school, then a part-time job (but all my earnings were taken from me), and the occasional medical appt (where i had to lie about injuries). there was occasional interaction with other relatives but under threat of more violence if i so much as even tried to hint to anyone that i wasn't happy happy happy and part of a loving family. i have severe ptsd and even after i finally managed to engineer an escape and move far away (though there was still forced contact for several years), it's taken a long time (i'm middle-aged now), and a lot of therapy, and the deaths of both my parents finally, to really feel like it's safe to process and talk about and work through all the trauma and stuff that i carry.

anyway. to answer some questions people asked here: the community i'm talking about now is very small and there is only one in my city (and going outside my city isn't an option for me). it's not only about religion, there's a vast history and cultural and ethnic aspects that i might want to participate in. please remember this is still all very new for me (as i said, most of what i was told about myself and my family was lies) and i really only raised it with T as it occurred to me when my mother died that i might finally be able to be a part of something i was denied. and no, it's *not* because my T is. this is really about me trying to figure out who i am, what i need, where i belong in the world, etc. especially now my own child is grown and flown the nest.

sorry. this has ended up being way too long and maybe it's just something i need to work through by myself (tho' that's really been my entire life and where a lot of my trauma lies, and unlike my T i don't have supervision to bounce this around in so i came here). and maybe T does get to lay down this boundary and i just have to accept it and leave exploring community for whenever i eventually finish working with him.