Another crying session, but this time I think it was productive. Not exactly productive for our relationship, but productive in therapeutic value. Well, maybe for our relationship because today I felt like she was emotionally in it with me. I think so at least.

We talked about emotional object constancy, how I struggled with it during her leave, realistic expectations, and examples of how I able to have it now. We also talked about how my life has been unfair to me especially how my childhood has affected me. We discussed how I try to be small, good, and perfect, and lower my expectations of people. And how I fawn instead of being assertive.

Having it be a phone session was both good and bad. I wasn't affected by her presence and didn't feel like she was staring at me. Also, I had an "escape" by hanging up the phone if I needed to. But I missed the "withness" of in-person. And on the phone, I have to constantly be talking and can't have a silent break. Overall, even though I'm more triggered in-person, I prefer it.

Overall, I think it was good. Baby step forward. Scary because I have to take another step, but reassuring that maybe we will be okay.