My therapist directed me to the Pete Walker book Complex PTSD and it, with trauma type Freeze, fit so well… I just still feel the neglect and bullying I went through couldn’t have been that traumatizing. So I’m poking around CPTSD stuff and ended up back here - not sure how long it’s been since I last poked my head in but it was still PsychCentral. I miss the online community but also feel bad about only connecting with anyone online, which is why I leave.
Returning to minimizing my experiences… I’m totally aware of what I’m doing there. And if I imagine it’s not myself I can see it as traumatizing and understand why I’m socially lame and so prone to fantasizing suicide… it all makes sense.
But my parents loved me and tried to give me all they could. …they just kinda sucked in some things, and those really hurt me. And I don’t know what I’m forgetting but I have very few memories of my life - dissociative amnesia? Well, probably not missing out on much.
The idea of having a name for my dysfunction and people successfully overcoming it doesn’t fill me with hope as Walker suggests. I feel just as broken, “other” and hopeless as ever. I feel entrenched in my dysfunction and out of reach of whatever nebulous help is waiting.
Oh, that was another reason I leave this forum - I tend to be so negative.