I apologize for turning to these forums in hopes of finding anyone who can relate, or even able to share any kind of helpful advice bcuz at this point I am all out of options.

Goodness, so much has happened since covid swept over the land, I really don't know where to begin here. I guess I should stay focused and stick to the reason I am sharing this at all.

After covid, amid liquidating and demolishing the building/ business where I used to work (which I lost due to covid – no, I didnt get covid. Moreover, the business I was working at was forced to shut down due to lack of business due to covid) before covid.

I also was forced to move (at the same time we were demoing the building of my old job), on top of fully winterize a mobile trailer before that coming winter.

Never mind, the fact, I was in a lot of pain due to dealing with a hyper-extended knee (which was never allowed time to properly heal, and is still messed up nearly 6yrs later). All on top of struggling to manage coping with a very bad depressed state, which had lasted for years at this point.

Yet due to the depression and physical state I was in at the time (after all was done and settled down), figured my only option left at this point was to file for disability. As working where I used to had taken such a dramatic toll on me over the last 30yrs of working there (lets just say, that job was 100% non-conducive, on top of being extremely corrosive, to my mental health).

However, any time I attempted filling out the disability papers I would find myself drowning in such a profound amount of anxiety and even worse depression then I was already going through.

Yet here I am, about a year later and still no where close to finishing filing for disability. It's like, any time I try to even think about trying to finish filing, it's like the flood gates of repressed emotions and things Ive never dealt with from my past just come washing over me (I have quite literally spent months so beyond drowning in the abyss of all this, even now, even writing this up while im thinking of what to say next is so beyond difficult at the moment).

The disability agency has since contacted my old employer, and yet he doesnt want to proceed on his end of the paper work bcuz he knows about my mental health and how hard all this has been to deal.

On the flip side of this same coin, however, any time I start to come out of this depression, any time I remotely begin to feel even slightly better, is when he will reach out and ask all sorts of question on if I want to continue with all this. Yet anytime he brings it up, it altogether feels like im being body slammed (hypothetically speaking mind you) hard back onto the floor.

I spent all day yesterday 1000% lost admits an unbearable amount of anxiety (why, I honestly do not know). Yet today, after he approached me on continuing with these papers, I have been all over the place emotionally (simply trying to hold it all together), however, I have absolutely no idea on what to do next.

Each and every time the topic of disability gets brought up, I altogether find myself withdrawing and turning inward, deep within myself, where I end up only being a basket case by the end of the day.

I guess the reason I am sharing this is bcuz I'm in the hopes anyone out there might have some friendly/ helpful advice or suggestions (or am I just a lost cause here?)

Again, apologies for sharing tmi here, yet I really don't know where else to turn (and no therapy and meds do not seem to help at this point), as not a single person in my family wants anything to do with this (never mind they cant even begin to fathom what this is like).