Also, something which has helped me is understanding that different parts of me responded differently and wanted different things. One part of me wanted (wants) her back at any cost and yearns for contact with her. That part has become smaller and less demanding as time has ticked on. Another part was angry, another part was grieving, and so on. These different parts also had different timescales, some responded quickly, some are still processing.

It strikes me that there is a part of you who is desperate to negotiate at any cost to yourself. That is not the totality of your response and be careful about allowing that part to dominate. Listen to the other parts of yourself too, they will want something different and some of them might be protective and wise, bringing you to safety.