Thanks for posting AngelFire!
This is Darold. I feel the need to share what's happening and where we're coming from. I don't see where Paul ever did that although he's uploaded a few photos here of us, the physical body and places in the forest when we were homeless in California but he deleted them eventually. As for the whereabouts of Paul over the past months, I'm not sure. He occasionally comes near the front in cocon and says a few words. Same goes for Sam. Paul is usually a teen or a child. Sam seems to be a random age every time.
It seems our system needs to reach out here. It might help us therapeutic wise. We woke up this morning with AngelFire playing the song Heaven Is A Place On Earth by Belinda Carlisle in our front space. We're really blessed to have her visit us. A rare occasion. People in the inner worlds that I can visit don't know much about her. We think she might be a real Angel, not an alter.
We're still alive. Paul & Sam are in a terrible amount of pain these days and repeatedly try to end the life of this body when they front over the past many months but I and other inner protectors, doctors, and specialists have to work together to push them out of the front to save us. We used to save this bodies life about once a week for what seemed like over a decade then it started fading to just a few times per month the past year or so. It's a cycle.
Our system is showing increasing signs of typical DID with each year. People who know more about DID can correct me but I think it's a good thing. It means the deep inner trauma is starting to surface more. More alters are starting to front and cofront. Often it's hard to tell. I front a lot these days. Paul & I have been friends for a long time. Lately I think that I didn't come into existence until later on in early childhood. Paul & Sam were the early ones. Not sure who is the original. They, mostly Sam, were tortured as an infant, which later on in life resulted in what our amazing psychiatrist, Katherine Revoredo in Rolling Hills Estates, CA says is non epileptic seizures. I think after infancy poor Sammy went missing for a long time. Paul, I, and other alters (mostly Paul) were horribly bullied in school and physically / emotionally abused by adults. We never recovered over the decades in life till this day. We never let anyone touch us physically beyond a relative hugging us. No relationships. Just hiding, hiding, hiding.
Some of us like art, dancing, expressing emotions. Some are females. Some are males. Some are agender. Some alters are computers & other objects. Some are fragment alters. Some are subsystems. I haven't found anyone, except maybe HAL who knows how many alters are in our system, including subsystems, but I think it's a real lot. Over the past year us inner alters have been seeing more and more subsystems surfacing from the depths. We feel like as they surface they are releasing a lot of pain and emotions, which we've found to be very healing. Unfortunately some of us can't deal with more pain, so when they front they try to end the body. We await for the day when the trauma of our infancy begins to be released, but HAL, the keeper of the library of our early childhood memories says he won't allow that yet because every time he's allowed an alter to experience one of those memories they've had a non epileptic seizure that usually lasts about 20 minutes. I have to wonder what will happen when/if those infancy memories begin to surface. It will be painful, but it surely will be the greatest healing we will ever go through. Trauma has affected us. I recall in our early 20s every time we would drive up to a stop light that we would be terrified if another car would stop next to us and they might look at us. We were terrified of anyone looking at us. But then we discovered sun glasses. It helped protect us from people looking at us and helped ended the panic attacks.
We just uploaded 9 photos. We have some alters who want us to share part of our life. We don't want this to happen to anyone in the world. And we would like to see whatever other people want to share.
We had a recent dream of our dad being in heaven. We wonder with fear what will happen when he passes away, what will happen to our system. But he's a good person! There was someone else who was the demon of demons in our infancy & beyond. We feel like when that demon dies something will happen to us.
We just want to heal. We wish everyone the best.
For anyone who would like to see our photos there in the following album here. To see the photo description you have to click on each photo.
https://mysupportforums.org/album.php?albumid=5839