@SquarePegGuy @Nammu - You guys make a lot of sense. I am good at beating myself up, so I keep saying things like "I shouldn't be" because I feel it is wrong to feel those feelings. But you guys are right, I have to acknowledge and feel them. And I also have to grieve, which I haven't accepted yet. I don't want to wish bad things on him, but I really want him to find peace.

I really should join CODA again, (Codependency Anonymous), they were really helpful in the past.