Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Today was another really bad day, although it started with a visit with my pdoc, which was ok I guess. The days are just really grinding me down and I'm sooo tired. I wrote out a will today, too.

My doc is still suggesting the hospital, but he pretty much wants me to just show up in an emergency room and announce that I'm depressed. Well, I did that once before (at his suggestion) and it was the WORST EXPERIENCE EVER. I was locked in an ER psych unit for 2 days until they had a bed, and just 2 hours after finally getting to the floor, I got pancreatitis again and had to be moved to a medical unit. My pancreatitis doc didn't have privileges at this particular hospital, so he couldn't do anything and it was awful. My pdoc doesn't have privileges anywhere, so he couldn't really help either and the whole thing was a mess. Plus, he never came to see me or anything. So now I think I'm scared to death to submit myself to something potentially like that again. I just don't know what to do?!?!?

I just know that I want this horrible, miserable, painful life to stop!! It has to stop. I just can't keep going.