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Human
Member Since Apr 2014
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Posts: 8,355
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Mar 19, 2024 at 08:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer
"When your dad says things that are just like WTF, when you find yourself questioning why any human being would say that to you, that's your sign to end the conversation. And that's not a negotiation. It sounds to me like your father isn't a "safe" person for this kind of discussion anyhow"
Yes, I totally agree.
Recently dad went into a long tirade about the living hell he went through during the years mom was drinking.
I said, "You've been saying that for 30 years. Did you ever once, ever, ask what it was like for anyone else in the house?"
"Ah, RD. Why can't you just let bygones be bygones. Why do you keep dragging up the past?"
Then he tells my mom this, and she's wondering why I can't let go of the past!
I'M NOT THE ANGRY ONE AND I'M NOT THE CRAZY ONE!
Dang..... Now I look angry and crazy.
RDMercer
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So first of all, to THEM you look angry and crazy, and do you care what they think about you? That's the other part of the equation of advocating for yourself. Do you really care what this man thinks about you? Doesn't sound like someone whose opinion you'd really want anyhow.
And back to the conversation, when he opened with his complaints about your mom's drinking, that's a good way to understand the bait. You have to use medium-chill or grey rock, or whatever it is with these people. So when they get into their complaints, you can't have an actual conversation with them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer
Recently dad went into a long tirade about the living hell he went through during the years mom was drinking.
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A grey rock response would be: "Yes, I understand that was hard for you, you've mentioned it before."
No reference to you, and no encouragement to go on. You could also, if you're smooth enough, ask a question to change the subject, like "so what did you do this weekend?"
But these people are never going to care how you feel. So if you do want to continue any kind of contact without falling for the bait, it's always about redirecting back to them and not giving them any opening to turn the conversation on you.
__________________
What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?
Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.
Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien
Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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