And despite that your mom has stopped drinking, your dad is still a codependent enabler. He is what you would be if you had stayed with your ex wife.

I know you want strong family connections, but sometimes we just have to accept that our family unhealthy and the only kind of connection we can have is a superficial one. We can care for them but not get too involved.

I've been no contact with my biological father since 2015, I think. Well, there were a few limited moments of contact at my uncle's funeral a few years later. I can't have contact with him because he is unsafe and dangerous. But if his care came down on me, I would make sure he was taken care of in a safe nursing home. I wouldn't visit. But I'd make sure he's at least taken care of. Sometimes that's the most of a connection is safe.

I don't know what it's like with your parents. But it sounds like you'd have a better, more enjoyable relationship with LESS contact and without getting into anything deep in your life.