I wish I could talk about this with someone I feel some closeness with. That's risky. I learned long ago that people do not like hearing about a problem that they feel they can't help with.

After my boyfriend died, one of my sisters said she hoped I'ld call her, if I was ever needing support. That sounds good, and she is a giving person. I'm sure she thought it was the right thing to say. But she hates hearing about raw emotion. If I told her I needed a thousand dollars, she would wire it within a day. She would much rather do that than listen to me talk about feeling depressed for five minutes. I don't need a thousand dollars. What I need is intangible. But there's no one I can turn to . . . except here at MSF. The replies above are much appreciated.

I don't even want to call family to whine and moan about how I feel. I just wish I heard more from family. If they called and just chatted about what they were up to and doing, it would be so nice to hear about. Then I would feel connected, which is all I need. Instead, they have demonstrated that their preferred mode of communication is texting or sending the occasional holiday-themed "gif" to my phone. It seems to me that people text, as a way of avoiding having to actually talk to me. I'm not awful to talk with. Yet months go by with nothing but text messages. It feels like an awful rejection. I accept that I'm not someone my sister would choose for a friend, if I wasn't born into the same family. No one chose me for a sister. It's their right not to choose me for a close friend, but they don't have to make it so cruelly obvious. I don't push myself on them. I don't bother anyone or try to take up anyone's time excessively. But I need help badly - the help that comes from being connected to family who keep at least lightly in touch. It would cost so little of their time. I know it's up to me to resolve my emotional problems. I don't believe in dumping on others. It would just mean so much to be able to say that I'm having a tough time and have someone call to say they wondered how I was doing. Instead, I feel like I have to make like everything is fine, or risk getting even further rejected. So I don't dare go making any phone calls.

I did call a warm line that someone told me about. They are nice, but they follow a predictable pattern. It kind of feels like talking to a robot. I was told it was a peer staffed warm line, where calls are taken by persons who have themselves dealt with psych problems. They don't sound like peers. I found out they are paid. They have a supervisor listening to what they say. So the conversations don't feel at all like talking to someone you can really share with. Fifteen years ago, there was a warm line in my area that was good to call. I think they were volunteers. Some were survivors of very serious psych problems, worse than mine. One, at that time, told me that she had been confined in a state psychiatric hospital for a lengthy stay. That told me that I didn't have to explain to her about mental pain. She knew. She was there and came through it. That gets big respect from me.

People who haven't been through a major depressive disorder think they understand everything, but they don't. I don't care if they have a PhD. For years, I've avoided talking to professionals. They get mental calluses from all their exposure to psych patients. Watching other people suffer doesn't enable anyone to know what that suffering feels like. Now and then, I've met a few who were kind and empathetic. But, mostly, I have found them to be coolly aloof, especially the higher up they get.