Today has been miserable. I didn't even try to do anything right.

I still have to move all my clocks ahead one hour. I haven't even turned the page on my calendar in the kitchen. This is the worst I've been in almost 4 years.

If I just had someone to stay with me for even half a day. In February, I did hire someone to spend 3 hours helping me. That worked out well. We got my place all straightened out. I felt hugely improved and stayed better for days. Then I unraveled again. This person is a professional organizer, so she is expensive to hire. But it was worth the money. I feel embarrassed to ask her to come back again.

When I have someone with me, I improve a lot. I'd like to hire an ordinary person to just be here for a couple of hours for a day or two. They wouldn't even have to do any work. If someone were here, I could straighten this place out myself. Otherwise I stay in cyber-space and do nothing that needs doing. My income is small, but I could come up with enough to pay someone for a few visits.

That I even want this kind of aid makes me feel like I've deteriorated into a pathetic shadow of who I once was.