That's really great that you do feel like you've come a ways in the last year. Hoping the next year is more of the same growth in the right direction.

Those boundaries are a big thing. From personal experience, once I was able to step back, stay in my lane, and enforce boundaries to keep H (and others) in their own lanes, a lot of life became much more manageable.

But there's still that potential for a lot of frustration. When you're over here doing all sorts of self improvement work, and the other side of the equation (your H) is stagnant at best and petulant at worst, it can feel a little pointless. But it's not. Never forget that YOU are a priority, and keep living into that.

A few days ago, DD said that she thought watching episodes of Intervention had taught her more about the potentially unhealthy aspects and pitfalls of substance use. We were watching these mostly when she was in 9th & 10th grade, and while (as said before) H doesn't fit the bill of being a classic alcoholic, watching the show gave her a lot of information about unhealthy alcohol use patterns- some of which she probably has seen in the house. For example, times when Dad was anxious and drank, then behaved selfishly and didn't act like a parent or adult.

The thing I worried about, and maybe still do to some extent, is that he would/will attempt to use alcohol as a bond with her at some point- essentially try to coerce her into becoming a drinking buddy. You see that dynamic on Intervention sometimes, and it seems like we see it IRL with other family members- alcohol/drinking becomes a mutual, bonding activity.

She's actually doing a school project right now on drug issues in our area, and was practicing her presentation earlier- she stopped the presentation and talked for a little bit about the genetic predisposition to abuse drugs or alcohol- i.e. she recognizes that if dad (and other family members) have developed unhealthy relationships with alcohol, that increases her chances of not being able to handle or control it well. So that's where we've been and are, if it helps any.

Especially when they're younger, it can be tough to find age appropriate information that also enforces good boundaries without confusing a kid- if that makes sense? For example, loud, obnoxious, drinking behavior might seem silly to a kid, when the situation isn't that at all. The kid might not be able to understand what's really going on. “Dad's being silly and Mom's angry about it for some reason.”

You sound so empowered in your boundaries toward your H. So in tune with your own needs and what you will and won't tolerate. It made me smile to read that. . Good for you!

Ah, your H has convenient amnesia when it comes to taking responsibility for his past actions. There are some people who have anosognosia, which is a condition where they actually block, or unable to retain memory of their actions. Even if that's a possibility, don't give him a pass, as that doesn't honor your experience. Once again, boundaries.

—>It feels like a trick almost.<--- Listen to your gut. When it comes to interacting with him in this way, YOU are the world's leading expert. Your therapist is giving him the benefit of the doubt. There's a phenomenon that happens pretty regularly when someone in a family system decides to get healthy and start doing the real work to make changes in themselves- other people in the system can get uncomfortable and try to manipulate things back to the way they were. Back to what was comfortable and felt controllable to them. That would be my concern, is that he's trying to reel you back into a particular place that's comfortable for him. Not saying that's what he's doing, but if your Spidey-sense is tingling, don't ignore it.

Have you seen your therapist? What did she say?

Things have continued to be busy here. And weird. H has been extra sullen and sarcastic, but I've been so focused on other things that it hits my radar and falls off again. It's those 3 C’s and focusing on yourself and what you need to do. Sometimes it's good to be busy

Hope that you are hanging in there well.