RD, I think they know exactly what will set you off, and they do so intentionally.

Your post about "changing your responses" really hits home for me because I'm dealing with this with people in my community of dog sports, and particularly this one woman who has been doing things to intentionally bait me and get a reaction and make me look angry/crazy/immature, whatever, when really it's HER behavior that is immature, childish, and unsportsmanlike. Her toxic goal is to get a response out of me that proves her point. I think your family does the same.

I don't think our goal should be to change our responses, but rather, it should be to recognize when someone is baiting us and just walk away so they can't get the satisfaction. Our goal should be to spot toxic people and avoid them like the plague, so that no reaction/response even comes into the equation.

I spoke with both OE and Eskie over the weekend about this person and their behavior. This person did get a response out of me a little bit with their baiting and childishness, but it didn't really get them what they wanted. I wish I hadn't even responded with what little I had. Or, I can think back now at least to a better way to have responded that would have been less responsive and not given her what she wanted. Unfortunately, I really didn't know that she would stoop to the level that she did, but I should have guessed it.

So, apologies, not intending to hijack your thread, just telling this story to show I relate, and to also share my own realization, which is that it's not about not responding. It's about having the boundaries to avoid them in the first place.

And what I also realize is that this is the entitled type of person (I'm not going to arm chair diagnosis this woman, but I can definitely say without a shadow of doubt that she's very entitled, toxic, and self centered) doesn't think twice about what they did to you. Your family isn't sitting around thinking up new ways to torture you or bait you. They go about their day thinking about themselves, and when you are around, it gives them pleasure to bait you to prove who you are (or who they say you are), and when you're gone, they just sit in their self satisfaction thinking about themselves.

When your dad says things that are just like WTF, when you find yourself questioning why any human being would say that to you, that's your sign to end the conversation. And that's not a negotiation. It sounds to me like your father isn't a "safe" person for this kind of discussion anyhow.

I could have avoided exploding at this woman when she called me over and baited me into conversation a month ago, but she's going around lying about what happened and saying that I got into it with her, and I certainly could have avoided that by simply refusing to get into that conversation at all with her when she started talking to me. But I wasn't on my guard and I didn't realize her level of toxicity, and I got baited into it. It's not my fault, and I can forgive myself, but it's given her ammo to continue trying to bait me.

On the other hand, I'm also friends with a woman in the community, she's funny because personally we are very different people, she's conservative politically and I avoid talking about anything sociopolitical or anything, we just talk about dogs, but one thing I've learned from her is to have a don't give a **** attitude when it comes to advocating for yourself and the people you love. I'm learning a bit from her to have a healthy amount of self-centeredness (not sure that's really the right term). I think so often we are people pleasing, we forget there are many people who do not deserve our consideration.