Every time you want to reach out to him and DON'T, consider it an investment. He won't come to miss you without absence.

Every time you do maybe condition yourself to consider it a reset moving you back to square one. Starting the process of missing you all over again.

Missing you is the goal.

Alternative perspective such as this works well for me. I've also been diagnosed with OCD which is explosive in combo with anxiety (my primary issue). So, I do understand your urge and panic to some degree. Just saying, I hear you with a bit of understanding.

I hope you can find some peace while you navigate through this.