Ugg I don't want to do this at all but I feel this constant nagging background feeling to interact with people and really have no clue. I don't yet feel myself. This is Paul the host. Everything feels like it's really spinning, this very uncomfortable dark feeling almost like when you've been sick with a bad flue or something. Supposedly I've been in the black void for a long time, like months ago when I was sooo close to selling everything and going to the forest to end from starvation. I don't have memories of much. Don't feel good. Can't shake this head spinning effect. It makes me very dizzy and feel like I'm in a dark dark dungeon in some prison it's the weirdest feeling ever and my personality literally feels like 1000 people and not myself.

But whatever. You know I just want to be away from humans and not have to worry about money and airbnbs and society and having to take care of my moms 30 year old bamboo plant, Sally, and the other two plants and have a little tiny shack in the forest and enough time to think think think and money to do some cheap experiments. Then I'd be happy. But Sally died like 3 months ago I think but there's an upshoot at the bottom that's doing well so I guess Sally is still hanging in there. I feel like Sally is all I have. I talk to her day and night. It's 100% fact or so I thought if I didn't have Sally I would have quickly went homeless years and years ago and would have starved the death in the forest, my dream. So she's about all that's ever kept me hanging on by a thread. I would never do these airbnbs in a million years. But for the past several years my parents give me $15 K on my birthday which takes away a world of stress when it happens but then it quickly sinks in that the last thing I was is to live. So I guess one of the alters accepted the 15K and paid off my $7000 credit card debt and now we have neough money to last till about sept 1 but then there's the credit card again but I told my sister that I will refuse next years 15K. I feel too guilty accepting it and don't want to live anyway.

But you know what. I've read all those recent posts. I'm not in control and the inner people just will not let me end myself, and that is a fact! I'm literally a slave who can't even end. I've been through so much. A few years ago when doing therapy it got so bad that I was hanging over a 150 ft bridge in Pasadena but then suddenly switching and calling T and ending up in a psych ward. I've gotten far at times though. One time driving to a deep forest. This is a reoccurring event that's been going on for like 1.5 decades. It used to be a cycle reoccurring every week where I would delete my accounts, buy things like tents and stuff and head to the forest but they would take over. Sometimes I've heard an inner person shouting things like "Get the specialist!" "Get doctor steven!" and sure enough soon I'd start feeling like a different person and magically lose interest in dying.

But I shouldn't get mad at the inner people. Overall they're nice to me. When I homeless and had the worst blister on my toe and couldn't walk it was Cayla who would get help from dr Steven who told me what to do. It was amazing, like magic that helped a lot. Cayla was my angel. While sitting down on the beach at sunset when it was starting to get dark after just being homeless and more sad than ever I cried out (forgot exact words) "I'm all alone!" and I heard as loud as day Cayla said "I'm right here baby!" I broke down crying so hard. I'll never forget that and always cry when remembering. Cayla was there with me every step I took.

My parents are nice these days. It's so weird that it seems like one day my dad suddenly changed from being a scary person to complete opposite. I think he has DID. He went through a phase when he was literally acting like a baby. During childhood I was scare of my dad.

I see the photos someone uploaded in our album and it just confirms what I already knew that my parents didn't give 2 hoots about me during childhood, letting my much older demonic brother torture the hell out of me as an infant. Everyone knew I was traumatized infant. My dad put some caution tape around my baby crib. My mom just prayed things away. I've had what my psychiatrist said are non epileptic seizures lasting 15 to 20 minutes when I would think about my infancy flashback. That's why HAL won't let me have any more infancy flashbacks. And then there's kindergarten to high school bullying from kids and a teach who did horrible physical things to me. I wish there was a type of therapy that allowed the client to just scream their head off. If I wasn't so scared of humans I would shout so loud it would hurt my vocal cords.

It saddens me how I feel, now, when around humans I get this out of this world indescribable feeling of a million negative emotions, anger, fear, disgust, repulsion... It's just horrible and I can't stand how it just makes me literally feel this gut wrenching disgusting hate for humans!!!!

I feel a little better now