(raises hand)

Yup.

Except...not past tense... current... still going through it. Just tonight, she went off again... it's totally predictable.

For all of my years of trying to understand, and my years of professional experience and education, I didn't accept my parents for what they were until I found a messageboard (not sure if it's ok to post a link, so PM me if you are interested)

It was there that I realized... oh crap, I'm not alone. Other people have been through this... these 100 people understand and get it... wow.

So, that was the first step to healing that I truly experienced... and I've worked from there. I haven't read the books, however, b/c I don't like lingo. It's just a personal thing and I have nothing against them... people have recommended all the books mentioned here before... but I'm ok with understanding things through my own lens for now

I have a fairly good understanding of how people get damaged, I have extreme sensitivity to changes in human behavior/emotion, I am still constantly hypervigilant, I am an expert crisis counselor b/c I've been talking down my parents for 27 years... there are some positive aspects to what I've been through...

There are negatives, severe negatives... I totally dissociate... not into multiples... just into the inner me and outer me. I give people pieces... never trust anyone with the whole. I expect everyone I tell about the abuse to run away. I asked for help for the first time senior year of high school and they called me a liar and said "honors students aren't abused"

That was the hardest part... the dichotomy... people w/borderline personality disorder can smooth things over in their life and look normal... it isn't pervasive like so many other mental illnesses... it can be held at bay and unleashed where it counts... at home...

No one I grew up with knows what I went through... maybe 1 person, b/c my sister married him, but probably not even him because I spent years shielding her from a good deal of parents' crazy.

The abuse I suffered was very severe, my mother was/is a master manipulative and could be horribly cruel emotionally and physically... My father never laid a hand on me, but he let her abuse me and he was just as emotionally abusive on his own terms...

I don't even really tell my therapists about my mom... so many are quick to judge... quick to point out that childrens of borderline often have borderline... or at least borderline traits... I've worked hard to temper my parents' influence on my personality... i have stayed out of long term relationships, i have distanced myself from close friends, i move from job to job... all in a conscious effort to not get in a situation where i might not be able to regulate my emotions

ok, clearly this was triggering for me... i've been back in the home with these people and it's beenm ore challenging than anything in my life, they are getting old and passing on and i find myself thinking horrible things and then feel guilty for thinking those things and it's just a horrible cycle of self-abuse... even when they are nice, i'm still abusing me... perhaps even moreso when they are nice b/c I start to question whether or not it's all my fault, all in my head, if i'm the one with the issues...

from society, I have had a great life, no better or worse than anyone else's outside of my family... the most frustrating thing for me is that people see me as "put together" "on the ball" "smart as a whip"... ugh... there's nothing to make me fracture like someone telling me that they envy me... ha...i also have MAJOR difficulties with school, major PTSD surrounding it b/c of what happened when i asked for help before leaving for college... I can't get close to professors, can't trust them, have had some very bad experiences but only b/c I put myself in a position to be passed over/used...

ok, no, ammendment, the real worst part is how much I love my parents and how pathetic it is that I still look to them to love me like other people's paernts love them... do you know how hard it's been to sit through father's day and hear people on tv list the things they remember their dad teaching them...

i sat and tried to remember my parents teaching me anything... i couldn't remember anything except learning to read... know how they did that? made me sit on the toilet in my panties and wouldn't let me move until i erad... for hours and hours... and i wasn't allowed to pull down my panties and had to pee through them...

humiliating... and i still hate to read...

i learned how to cook on my own, tie my shoes at school, makeup from friends, i still don't know how to braid hair or make a bed, i learned so much all by myself and it's put me so far behind where other people my age are right now... it's like i started at zero when i left for college...

on the off chance anyone is still reading, sorry for losing it but thank goodness you started the topic, wow, I'm a mess...

going to end on a positive note... my parents did teach me that I was no better than anyone else, sometimes by reminding me I'm worthless... but also with a genuine sense of community and them doing the best they could to be good people... I was raised to never assume what someone else is going through... to listen with an open ear and give with an open heart and no expectations...

so there, i may not know how to take care of my skin, check tire pressure, or pick out a formal dress... but i do know how to approach the world with the intention of meeting people where they are... and that's invaluable

thanks again