From what you have posted elsewhere it seems clear to me that you are conflicted about your possible "delusion." That is, you do not want to admit that your feelings are "wrong," but you actually do recognize that they are in conflict with what is "natural." I think it is worth thinking about: where your feelings, that something that most take as "natural" and you find as highly unnatural, may have come from.

To me, investigating is good. Even when it is very difficult.