It is a nightmare. A living nightmare there's no waking up from. I wake up every day and remember this. EVERY. DAY. On the good days, I almost feel like a normal human being. On the bad ones, like these last few weeks, I just want to get drunk and forget life. Which I almost never do. Because I don't want to become an alcoholic.
I have zero passion left in life, faith in humanity or hope in the future. For someone who grew up wanting to, watching things like Star Trek, admiring fictional characters like Captain America or Superman for their sense of right and wrong...the only reason I haven't killed myself yet, is that I know my girls love me as much as I do them. They have suffered more than enough, I can't do it to them. But I don't feel like a human being anymore. This built, bulky, angry looking dude who trains every morning at the gym, works nights at the factory and wonders every morning why he doesn't just toss everything away and become a real life version of the Punisher. You'd think after 7 years I'd have had some positives that would have made me actually enjoy life for some reason. But no.
I always placed value and told my girls that as well, that your value as a human being is defined by the quality of the connections you make with other people. And I help them do that.
But...when it comes to me...I want to, but part of me so does not give a toss anymore. I don't know why. Everything just feels so empty.

I was in a group like that as well. Long story short, it didn't help. If I talk about this too much,too often it just takes me back there. I'm trying very hard to move forward and NOT stay back there.
I have about 2 1/2 hours left to sleep before work tonight. Haven't been doing well at all this week. Gym tomorrow morning and I'm planning to go somewhere in downtown Montreal and losing myself in a quiet, low key bar and passing out drunk. I haven't done it in several months. I'm way overdue.

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