Thanks for your response. No death cafe meetings anywhere near. I'll definitely check out the link of mygrief, tho.

It would take a longer response than I currently have energy for, to go over my spiritual beliefs around death. Suffice it to say I have strong faith and beliefs, that are serving me very well. All is in order as much as it can be. I have no fears or concerns about what comes after. I am engaging in a lot of self care activities, daily, to keep myself strong. I am not feeling burdened or overwhelmed by the realities of my husband approaching death, of hospice care, of being the primary caregiver to him at this time.

The stressors I am facing is my husband's denial / rage of his conditions, his growing weakness, his loss of quality of life. Added to that is the denial and judgmentality of the friends and family, making things harder. I think from lack of validation. I tell them "he's housebound, and entering hospice. Call him. Come visit him. Spend time with him. Small groups; crowds wear him out". They descend in droves. They say "let's meet out to eat. Come see us. Come here, come there." A sister in law told the step daughter to come check on her father,....because he wasn't being taken care of. Yeah, she meant, by me. I never expected her to say such things about me. I thought we were close. They're not listening to what he says, what he wants. They aren't listening to what I tell them.

I know that they are facing their own issues of denial, and grief at seeing his decline, and fear of loss when he's gone. But I haven't the energy to help them. I barely have the energy to help HIM, and help myself. So, no. They aren't of help to me / us.

I think you're right. Two avenues of dealing with all of this is probably the best way to deal with it all. I'll work on strengthening my DBT skills for the BPD stuff, to keep myself as strong as I can be ( which will help with all the emotions being stirred up by friends / family / hubby's rage) and I'll keep searching for caregiver type support. Maybe the hospice team will have suggestions on how to deal with the family. I don't really want to push them all away from me, but if push comes to shove, I can create space so they can be with him if they choose, and yet distance myself from them.