Its taken all of this to realise the root cause of my laziness. Guilt I've felt responsible for the pain I've felt so long that I stopped thinking I was worthy of trying I gave up on myself as a sense of sabotage not because I couldn't or didn't know how but I didn't feel worthy anymore, of any effort for myself and I took my family with me when I gave up. When the pain came so much I gave up. Hopefully now I see it I can see now and do things and feel responsible and worthy of my own effort and for me my own compassion.